A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did."Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date.

Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done.

After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message,

"TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!"

There was this hooker named Judi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny
replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his
whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is
the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall."

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"

She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"

A woman went to the doctors office and said, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. But, I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor told her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She did and the doctor went around to see her when she was ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asked.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replied. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examined her and finally admited he had no idea what the cause was.

Suddenly, the doctor asks, "You boyfriend wear earrings?"

"Why, yes, doctor, he does."

"Tell him they're not real gold."

One day a young couple where having sex in a park and where caught by a police officer. The couple denied that they where having sex. The only witness was a homeless man, who saw the whole incident. When the court date came, The judge called the homeless man to the stand and asked what he saw the night of the incident. The homeless man said, "Your honor I saw these two people in the park fucking."

The judge replied "Did you just say the word 'fucking' in my court room? That's disrespect and contempt and that'll cost you two days in jail!"

Two days later he called the homeless man back to the stand and asked him again, "What did you see this couple doing on the night in question?"

The homeless man said, "I already told you, your Honor, they were fucking."

"There's that WORD again. Now you get *three* days in jail!" And off the poor homeless man went.

Three days pass and the homeless man was back in front of the judge. "I'm going to give you just one more chance. Tell me what those two were doing that night! And do it without ANY foul language!"

The homeless man thought for a second and said, "Your Honor, his pants were around his knees, his balls were swinging in the breeze, his you-know-what was you-know-where, and if that ain't 'fucking', well you can give me the chair."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

• How to Impress a Woman
  compliment her
  cuddle her
  kiss her
  caress her
  love her
  stroke her
  tease her
  comfort her
  protect her
  hug her
  hold her
  dine her
  listen to her
  care for her
  stand by her
  support her
  go to the ends of the earth for her
  

• How to Impress a Man
  Show up naked
  Bring beer