Confession

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

HARD WORKING MAN

The family picture is on His desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man
The family picture is on Her desk - Um, her family will come before her career

His desk is cluttered - He’s obviously a hard worker and a busy man
Her desk is cluttered - She’s obviously a disorganized scatterbrain

He is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal
She is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping

He’s not at his desk - He must be at a meeting
She’s not at her desk - She must be in the ladies room

He’s not in the office - He’s meeting customer
She’s not in the office - She must be out shopping

He’s having lunch with the boss - He’s on his way up
She’s having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair

The boss critized Him - He’ll improve his performance
The boss critized Her - She’ll be very upset

He got an unfair deal - Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal - Did she cry?

He’s getting married - He’ll get more settled
She’s getting married - She’ll get pregnant and leave

He’s having a baby - He’ll need a raise
She’s having a baby - She’ll cost the company money in maternity benefits

He’s going on a business trip - It’s good for his career
She’s going on a business trip - What does her husband say?

He’s leaving for a better job - He knows how to recognize a good opportunity
She’s leaving for a better job - Women are not dependable

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused. The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

Horror Scope

Aquarius Jan 23-Feb22
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces Feb 23-Mar22
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries Mar23-Apr22
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI and CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus Apr23-May22
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.. People like you because you are bisexual.

Gemini May23-June22
You are a quick and intelligent thinker You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer June23-July22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which means you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth shit. Everyone in prison is a cancer.

Leo July 23-Aug22
You consider yourself a born leader, others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masterbation more than sex.

Virgo Aug23-Sept22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra Sept23-Oct22
You are the artistic type and have trouble dealing with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio Oct23-Nov22
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius Nov23-Dec22
You are enthusiastic and optimistic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on you luck since you have no talent. The majority of sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn Dec23-Jan22
You are conserative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Drug dealers Vs Software developers

A man tells his buddy over drinks, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

His buddy asks, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"

To which he replies, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the hills.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses that they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset courses owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.

As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."

Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? WERE you???"