Scoreboard

One night a man his wife and a friend decided to have dinner together, so after eating they opened a couple of bottles of wine. Upon finishing the wine the friend realized it was late and he should go home, but the man insisted he stay the night, because he was drunk and in no condition to drive.

The man finally agreed. One problem occurred though they had no guest bedroom and their couch was small and uncomfortable. So the mans wife said "Why dosen't he justsleep with us?" The two men agreed and promptly headed for bed.

A few hours after they had gone to sleep the mans wife woke his friend and said hey, wanna have a good time? The man was like NO he'll wake up. She said no he won't watch, so the woman reached over and pulled out one of the hairs on her husbands ass and sure enough nothing happened. So the wife and the mans friend screwed.

About an hour later the wife woke the mans friend again and said I want more. The man decided to test his friend to see if he was awake, so he pulled out another ass hair andhe didnt wake up. This happened 2 more times and when the friend pulled out another one of the mans ass hairs the man turned over and said, "Look I dont care if you screw my wife but stop using my ass as a score board!!"

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

MARRIAGES AND WEDDINGS

Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida:
Wedding ring set with numerous diamonds, $400 or trade for handgun. 874-0935

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.- Dick Martin

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.- Jackie Mason

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop.  Not long after, a blind man joins the group.

The bus arrives.  The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.

As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man.  Finally, the man says, "You know, that's pretty irritating.  Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?"

The blind man retorts:  "If you'd put a rubber on the end of *your* stick, we'd both be on that bus."

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

What would SukhRam say if he would make these ads :

1" SURF : mere swiss a/c number DHOONDTE REH JAONGE.

2" EVERREADY : GIVE ME money!!

3" LIRIL : telecom KA YEH HAI NAYA policy , MERA bank-balance badhe.

4" COLGATE GEL : ministry khane KE LIYE , SARE paise MERE LIYE.

5" CAPTAIN COOK : YEH TO rao saab ki kripa HAI, WARNA mein AUR ETNI SARE paise??

6" NIRMA : etne sare paise , kickback SE AYE minister telecomka, telecom ka mein minister.minister.

7" VIP SKYBAG : runu ! , MEIN TO millionare BAN GAYA!

8" L & T : 1st person : sardar patel , bajpai yeh sab desh-bhakti ke example hai. Sukhram : YEH 'desh-bhakti' KAUN HAI?

9" TATA TEA : ASLI currency DE DE , telecom contract LE LE.

10" TAJMAHAL TEA : 1st person : WAH sukhram WAH.sukhram : ARE HUJOOR WAH telecom BOLIYE.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him,climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,he obliges the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

True state of affairs of us bachelors...( even though we would hate to admit it )....

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid a**.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.