There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law - " When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise I'll have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks - "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So he sends the message - " The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But, being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her antecedents and finding out if she had any previous affairs with men.

After a few days, the politician, at last, received his detective's report which went like this: "Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear; her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to the grapevine, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantieties in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film

2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if incorrectly used

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol

5. most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation

3. Very effective cleaning agent

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2. Illegal to prossess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

One day, at KK hospital, 4 babies were born....a German baby, a Jewish baby, a Filipino baby and a Singaporean baby. However, by mistake, someone reshuffled the babies and the nurse who was on duty that day couldn't differentiate the babies as they were too young. (all babies look the same when they are newly born)

So this poor nurse couldn't figure out how to tell the babies apart....and she went to ask the head matron how to tell the difference?

The head matron thought for a while...then she came up with a really fantastic solution....she went: "Heil Hitler!" And the German baby answered: "Heil Hitler!" And the Jewish baby seeing the German baby, shit in his diapers. And the Singaporean baby, seeing the mess made by the Jewish baby, turned to the Filipino baby in disgust and said: "Hey you, clean up the mess!"

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, "Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, "And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?"The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!"

And the preacher said, "Right again." With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.
The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped
up and excalimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance.

So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear to active."

Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. "Is John home?" he asks. She replies "No I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands.""Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?"

She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them."

The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful, I've got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both."

She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by."

About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says "Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago."

John replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?"

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells to each one of them to write back about their marriage life.

So the first one gets married.. The second day the letter arrives with a single message.. ' WILLS' Mother got confused and finally looks the ad, and it says..MADE FOR EACH OTHER..Mother is happy

The same way the second one gets married. After a week the message arrives .... 'FILTER KINGS' As usual mother looks into the ad, and it says... LIFE SIZE KING SIZE !! Mother is happy But after the third ones wedding, only after 4 weeks the message arrives and it says 'BRITISH AIRWAYS' As usual mother looks into the ad, and this time she faints.THE AD : TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.

New York, NY, Feb 01 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way just so companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Aternative methods of testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these comapnies force software to undergo lenthy and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Granole. "Innocent programs, from the day they are complied, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives cooped up on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they are not needed anymore."

Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.

"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing.