A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed

."Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Dating Contract

ANTE-DATING AGREEMENT

The party of the first part (hereinafter "her" or "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (hereinafter "him" or "he"):

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item." Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple." Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, week nights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up."

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriends, and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, he is broke, or he says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence
the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess."

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together."; "Why don't we start a family?" and-using archaic terminology: "Let's get married."

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship: Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same thing." Suggesting-no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek "help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."

11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My analyst thinks you are ..." (Appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here.)

12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks". Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven (7) days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right"; "He/she wanted more than I could give."; "He/she was too involved in his/her career." ; "He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."

13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup-no matter what-both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot."

Software Development Cycle

1.Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2.Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3.Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4.Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5.Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

6.Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

7.Users find 137 new bugs.

8.Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

9.Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

10.Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

11.Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

12.New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

13.Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

Employer's Lingo:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

You should know the network layers to enjoy this

New ISO OSI Layers defination

Source Code Types:

BJP Govt Code:Will perfectly work during unit testing. Will fail during integration testing.

Congress & Allies Code: Will never compile at all. If you fix bug in one place, another bug appears in another place. Will go on endlessly like this and the only way out is to abandon development.

Mayawati Code: Will work perfectly during unit testing, module testing, integration testing and QA testing. But will fail when client runs the program.

Jayalalitha Code: (Application) Will work for a long time. One fine day, suddenly without any warning it wont run any more. Sort of Y2K bug but without any date limit.

Laloo Code: (MS DOS .bat file) The whole program, no matter how long it takes to run, will finish within five minutes. When you run this application, it wont run by itself, instead it will start a proxy application. The only thing this application does is display impressive message boxes.

Mulayam Singh Code: (Driver) This is a buggy Win16 driver running on Win32 platform. Will not run by itself and will not let anyone else run by crashing the system frequently.

Karunanidhi code: (Java Application) This application by itself does not on which platform it should run. In a way it is like a Java application You can run it on any platform NT, UNIX, LINUX, SOLARIS. But you cannot run it on same platform where you have installed JJ App. It will blow your computer first and then you.

Arjun Singh code: (Message Box program) Every day morning, displays a message box saying "Are you sure you want to run the 'Sonia Gandhi driver'?" with OK button only. No other options provided.

Devegowda code: (Memory hungry DLL) Worse than Yeltsin program. Sits in machine, takes up huge amounts of memory but does nothing.